Flying Dutchman




How can one communicate experience

one may talk about it for however long

Not the same

fire becoming water or

woman a demon transmogrification

emotions one makes them disappear

a disappearing cloak

the mouth a line

Vertebrae after vertebrae

staring at nothing

eating these nine inch nails

joyless drunkard

Or maybe I was laughing

Munchausen by proxy with horror in my

colorless eyes

hope like the flicker of pink light

in the eye right before it bursts

But my eyes are fine

What I have is this


torrential regret

or

no regrets at all

just a sec while I calibrate 


punitive damages you know

no regrets but

my misdemeanors became this

enormous

planet of involuntary twitching

performance anxiety

but I don’t suffer from either see


02:37

03:11

04:54

I'm looking for Mr. Goodbar

I become the kid with the 

comic book tattoo brain

I feel no pain

I have everything to gain

from these shit odds

Since when you became a betting man?


I search for validation

youth Happiness

I had some youth once and I know

I was happy sometime


No one can hate me like I do

the superiority of it bleeds into me

collapses all and 

permeates everything I do

carry wood and remorse weighs it down

light it up it lights up easy but not the guilt

I am so healthy I'm practically glowing

am I feeling lost or is it 

lust

transparent I'm invisible or 

so dense and dark the air around me becomes a supermassive black hole

The loathsomeness of my own self

leaves me not for

the quickest drop of a hat


Preposterous

ludicrous magical thinking you say

But the key 

If I the cause

I the remedy

If I not the cause

Where is 

fucking useless Orpheus myth

Made me the hungry Eurydice

who died twice and vaporized


What sickening delusion of grandeur 

It'll pass

I will be a vehicle of benevolence & grace

function without thought only to improve situation

I promise I'll get over my conceited self

I know it's not me it's you

But not quite yet


Listening to 

Quiet house you move around it's dark

I can barely hear you make the sounds you do

The bathroom door

the floorboards

heavy sigh

I do my damnedest so you won't hear 

I repeat the silent nursery rhyme whisper it and swallow and

swallow but the whole bed becomes an

ocean of such stupid and mediocre tears

You are so strong you are the strongest woman I know you say

You are like a mountain you never waver you say

One look at you and your power engulfs the room you say

You can take anything you say

And it's true

I can


Listening

trying to uproot myself from this lethargy

My own wanderings

and where they have brought me

how it sometimes feels like square one

but one doesn’t have to even look too close

the shock of experience is right here


Power lines

no pressure

getting high

Lady of leisure


I command you now

I am divine and almighty

Have a seat while I

take to the sky

Mä otan sen sinusta ja heitän tonne taivaalle

mä otan sen sinusta ja heitän tonne taivaalle

mä otan sen sinusta ja heitän tonne taivaalle

mä otan sen sinusta ja heitän tonne taivaalle

mä otan sen sinusta ja heitän tonne taivaalle




 

The title and the comic book tattoo reference, and the lyric in italics, are from the Tori Amos B-sides Flying Dutchman and Take to the Sky, respectively, both issued in 1992. 

This text contains a paraphrased segment from the song Cooling, another famous Tori B-side, also from 1992. I have never been able to listen to it, especially the live version from To Venus and Back, 1999, without crying.


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