Sandy’s Advice

I’m feeling kind of basic today – a line from High Fidelity, yes, but also my feeling, friends.

After another sleepless night, I got to thinking about the myriad of self-help books, YouTube mindfulness coaches and happiness gurus, uplifting and cute peppy advice, that are basically pouring out of our phones and laptops and t-shirts and whatever. Everyone thinks they have got the keys to a better life, and if you will just follow closely these ten points, your life will be that much better, more enjoyable, and happy.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s the insomnia talking, but it all reminds me of a morning with a boyfriend about ten years ago, who – and I am sure he wouldn’t mind me sharing this, it is something we laughed about a lot, over the years – after reading an article on how to eat your way to a healthy life, picked up his keys and ran to our near-by grocery store, and bought a bag of linseeds. He opened the bag, poured some over his plate of cereal, ate his breakfast, and never touched the seed bag again. I ended up eating all of it, laughing hard at his frozen pizza meals and hamburgers. (Of course, little did I know, that in a few years I myself would have to drag myself away from perpetually standing in line for the outstandingly delicious Ohana burger meals, in this lovely Burger Town of ours.)

Since the incident with the seed bag, I have sort of noticed a pattern in how the men in my life deal with life improvement, or life improvement tips. Just this spring, when we both realized that we had gained some weight over the winter, my man immediately laced up his running shoes, ran all the way to town and back, a lengthy and very respectable distance, and was instantly exalted for having done such a massive thing for his health. Because why repeat stuff time and time again, if one can just exhaust oneself once, sprain an ankle, and be done with it? (Okay I’m exaggerating a little here - but only a little!)

I don’t know why it came to me in the night, since what I am about to repeat here, is more along the lines of marriage or relationship advice than life improvement per se, but nevertheless I have always felt like the following has a ring of truth in it, and it is a short enough list to remember without difficulty.

It is the advice from Sandra Bullock to Ben Affleck, one of his best performances, by the way, in the otherwise kind of underwhelming, and not very earth-shattering, movie, Forces of Nature.

When this movie came out, I was working at a video rental, and since Affleck hadn’t yet earned his bad reputation, and it had the gorgeous Take California by Propellerheads playing during the opening credits, and who knows why else, maybe because Sandra Bullock is just so damn beautiful, or the cover picture of the film was this exquisite shade of green, I ended up taking the film home with me a lot, if no one had rented it out that day. If Buffy wasn’t on TV, I would pop it in the machine, make a small supper – I had yet to discover the over-sized portions and general delight of late-night pasta extravaganza - and watch how the pair climbed up on the roof of the train at a particularly beautiful spot, while the train was for some reason at a stand-still, and Sandra’s character tried to help the man overcome his extreme self-consciousness. The scene is still one of my all-time favorite scenes, and perhaps, with the following list of advice, enough to warrant the silliness having been made in the first place.

Here’s what Sandra tells Ben a little later on, while they are dancing with the Sun-Seekers on a hotel bar dancefloor:

1.  Never forget her birthday. Make a really, really big deal out of it.

2.  After sex, hold her a little while, you know, talk to her like a human being.

3.  Do not wear yours socks to bed. No socks to be because you might not be all that attractive to begin with.

4.  Always, always side with her in an argument with your mother.

5.  Listen to her like you mean it. Supportiveness is a really, really sexy turn-on.

6.  Never, ever hit.

7.  No matter what annoying habits she has, just realize that she’s dealing with a huge mountain of imperfections every day, so you might just want to let it go.

I have never been one to collect rubbish advice from dime-store kitchen magnets, and I don’t think Sandy’s advice is either kitchen magnet material, or bullshit, at all. While it may be in the romantic relationship, that this advice comes in handy the most, I think there are good points there just to abide by, generally in life. At least I don’t think that by following these guidelines – really listening to our fellow man, treating others as an end, not as means, very much like what a philosopher said, accepting the faults in others because we are not faultless ourselves - one can do any harm to anyone.

Besides, whatever kitchen magnets with inspirational words I have, they all have been gifts – except for Stressed spelled backwards is desserts, a thought that is not only handy, but a great reminder to always stock up on double cream in the fridge.

There are yet two other pieces of advice, though, that I seem to have picked up in life, and remember a lot, when I have just acted in the opposite way, and tell myself that yes, had you thought about it, girl, you would have had the answer right in front of your nose the whole time. 

The first one is Giles’ line from the aforementioned Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I have no idea which episode, but here it is:

Could we, for now, concentrate less on what may be, and more on what is?

The second one, and the very last piece of life improvement advice today, is attributed to Mauno Koivisto, who passed away just a few days ago, a wise man, and the ninth President of my country. This is something first brought to my attention by my man, who has taken this particular piece of advice to heart, and while neither one of us can follow it especially well, it is, still, an excellent rule of thumb (the translation is my own):

Kun provosoidaan, ei pidä provosoitua. When provoked, the trick is not to get provoked.

Just my, well, perhaps less mine and more other people’s, two cents for the Here’s How It’s Done -game, I guess. A mixed bag, sure, but I was never one for following the logical route, anyway.

Forces of Nature, from 1999, was written by Marc Lawrence, and directed by Bronwen Hughes