Mrs. Dalloway's Coffee Break

Somnambulant espionage, the everyday kind that goes on in houses; it went on. A shadow. They saw a shadow, the doctors did, and they took her away into the pines. The Lung Unit in the pines outside the city proper, in the pines because they have a good reputation as respiratory helpers and these historical pulmonary blooms may go, they just may go away. Look, there is mother now, on the balcony, can you see her, she is there, on the balcony! Wave, wave to mother! Every Sunday. The child then getting her own heavy machinery X-Ray, hoisted up on a bench because she is so little still, and no one spoke at all it was serious, because they had seen a shadow inside mother. A shadow was like a ghost, or when behind the Christmas tree there was a dark spot without decorations. See, little one, there she is, on the balcony, waving! Let’s wave back to mother! A Shadow. With the shadow gone, she later worked at Helios and when things were slow she would bring the little one to have he...

  One still needs to gear up to come sit on the balcony in July; I don’t recall when it was last this cold for this long in the summer. The soil is so soft and wet from the constant rain the county worker’s lawnmower leaves large trails of brown on the green, as if the entire vast lawn is suddenly striped. I was given some hard advice about you. I have always been headstrong, but the advice I got has given me pause. The worst damage from the storm was the age-old aspen ripped from the ground in one fell swoop, with the roots now exposed and an enormous chunk of soil still attached to them, with the majority of the tree now in Lake Pyhä. The sight was simultaneously devastating and magnificent. The littlest damage was my scarf leaving my hiking provisions bag unobserved as I was down there on my walk, my smoky pink silk scarf, I loved it so. A token tribute to the gods of weather, most likely also now in Lake Pyhä, since I followed loosely the bike trail, that is my hike now...

It is, finally, the beginning of summer. For those like me, who are working indoors all day and fantasizing being outside in the sunlight where, in this particular dark fantasy, every single other person on the planet is sunbathing as we speak and recuperating in the light from the long barren winter of the utmost discontent: this is the alcohol beverage for you. I was taking a power hike after a shift, briskly walking to the beat of my current favorite album and enjoying the gradual greening of nature and the fact that after months, one could feel sweat trickling down one’s spine instead of the freezing Northern gale blowdrying it in an instant. I was being good after neglecting my health for many months out of sheer exhaustion and lack of energy for it.  Spiriting my soul in the luminosity that is Finnish early summer, I had a wonderful idea, and, for a ceremonial ending of my solitary selfcare date, walked straight into the liquor store. For those who are new to the blog: yes, t...

  What are you doing?! Just get in there, now! You know, the brakes are there for a reason. Watch out! You are the most selfish, most self-centered person I have ever had the misfortune to meet! You’re holding onto the wheel all wrong! You need to back up more you’ll get a fine. Get the fuck out of here! I hate you you fucking bitch! You try living with a tumor that’s going to kill you. Oh, that’s right it’s my tumor it’s my fucking tumor! Get out! You are nothing but shit, you never take responsibility for anything, you never have, you just live in your Never-Never Land thinking everyone will live happily ever after! Why do you always need to destroy everything! You’ve ruined everything! Shut up, you’re disgusting! You never think of anyone but yourself! It's fucking over between us! Well it’s your fault I’m yelling every bad thing I have learned I have learned from you you goddamn bitch! It’s all because of you! Well, fuck you back! Oh that’s right, blame me, it isn’t like I’m dy...

We were planning a mutiny, but the hedgehogs just wanted to retire back to their respective piles of leaves and kick back with a few beers, and the flowers were unable to get out of china. Marlena played her usual dismissal dance with me, and just when I figured she couldn’t be any meaner she stopped acknowledging my presence altogether. The worst part of it was that all the other girls gradually went along with it. Instead of me beefing with only Marlena, they all began acting the exact same way. Not making eye contact, monosyllabic answers, dismissing my questions completely, turning their backs when I was talking, never, even for a second, letting a smile escape on their faces when forced to talk to me during class. I grew to hate Marlena and despise her little flock of mocking birds. You can all go to hell, I thought, you despicable lemmings. But being totally ignored and never looked at started leaving their mark on me, and after a year, I retaliated. I started l...

I used to be a woman who wrote in cafes. That was before The Flood. Now I stand there at the entrance in my thick overcoat and huge scarf that smell like Indian cuisine, but I no longer feel like I am expected, or welcome. I write at home now. The Giant’s woman came by the house today. To do some yelling, I presumed. But I didn’t let her in, so she just violently stamped on the snow-covered flowerbeds, where the wild pansies had grown. What a bitch, I said to The Swift, it’s not like I wanted him to eat the flowers. The bird was for once silent. I added wood into the stove and filled the kettle with fresh water. The smell of the fire combined with damp feathers, but I said nothing, I knew he would want to dry himself in peace. I wasn’t a bad smell, really. Päiväkirjan kirjoittaja istuu jalat harallaan penkissä. Kynät seisovat reippaina purkeissa, paitsi ne joita hän sillä hetkellä käyttää.