Jerk


I mean what respectable man doesn’t have a few skeletons in the closet? These – females, these – women, they are all just dumb sumbitches, aren’t they?

I mean I will be here till the end of time, and am right to be here, just like there are righteous, good men in the Klan, and these righteous, God-fearing good white men are right to fight for their power!

I mean our job is to oversee the goings-on of the land of our fathers, and make sure it doesn’t accidentally fall prey to a bunch of ninnies and cry-babies and lesbians. Emphasis on the job, Lizzie.

I mean it isn’t proper, it just is not proper for some insufferable cunt to appear out of nowhere to start laying these accusations so thick a man can’t breathe. She reduced ole Biffy-boy here to tears. To tears!

And now, let’s examine the situation with a cool head, since I am the best and most level-headed man I know to examine the situation, and no Federal investigation should really be needed here, come on now! I believe I was being mighty courteous with the leniency I ordered, a week’s time for the authorities to do just that, because I am the State and not without compassion, and I don’t see how anything will be altered by this unnecessary probing of a good man’s past. Do what must be done, gentlemen, but do it fast!

Yes, scary times for powerful men, but we will prevail, we will smack sense into these bitches, all women are whores and all women are really just asking to have their chaste little purses thoroughly speared by a real man. A real man, with the God-given right that we have as the stronger sex. That’s what I’m talking about!

I mean look at her testimony! Nothing but discrepancies there! Now I know my boy Biff, just like I know my old pal Vlad, and if he says he didn’t do it, well there is just no way a decent man should doubt an honorable testimony like that! A code of honor is what I’m talking about.

These – females, if they can’t take a joke, if they can’t handle a little locker room talk, a little ass-slapping, a little boob-pinching, a teeny tiny date rape, some chuckles at their expense, a bit of cruelty from time to time, well they should not be in the work force at all, right, gentlemen? Right. Because men are tough! We are tough and sometimes we are cruel, and that’s just the way it is!

Perhaps it is time to start discussing returning to the good old days! A woman’s place it at home! At home, am I right or am I right! Taking care of the kids, tending to her man, making his home nice. Pretty and silent is what the Bible says, doesn’t it? Excuse me but I believe I know what the Bible says better than you, now don’t I? Now be quiet!

Now I don’t doubt for a second, gentlemen, that if you really consider this carefully, you will find that this female’s story is totally fabricated. I know my boy Biff here, and why, he would not hurt a fly! Just look at his face! Unlike the face of what’s her name, taking an oath, swearing on the Bible, that her little fantasy is true. I mean if anyone should go to jail it is her! Such blatant disregard of honor and respect for those in power! And the lies! All women are liars, and never doubt that for a second.

Maybe these females should not be given the vote at all, am I right? There is still time to rectify this terrible mistake, if we act fast.

I know you will do the right thing, gentlemen. A man is nothing if he doesn’t defend his legacy and tradition. Now let’s settle this like the real men that we are. Yours truly, and so forth.

Pass me the diet co-cola, won’t you? Now that will be all, Lizbeth, did you get everything down? Check the spelling of the harder words, will you, I mean you would not want me to appear stupid, would you? And check if my wig is already dried and powdered, I’ll be needing it today. Okay dismissed. And leave the tray, I may be hungry later. I said dismissed, Lizzie!

What is that you are holding behind your back, Lizzie? Now now, what exactly do you think you are doing, Lizzie? Don’t you worry your pretty little head over these matters! Shh-shh! I am a very powerful man and I will make it all go away. Now stop right there! Don’t come any closer! You are fired!





Inspired by The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff, Spike Lee, Chloë Sevigny, and the skipping-rope rhyme Lizzie Borden Took an Axe.


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