(Towanda!) Over the Borderline

One

It is a little before noon, and Alexandra has wandered inside a mall. The doctor she just saw was a man. A man, and so mean to her, she is having trouble collecting herself now. She sits on one of the benches where the mall teens usually hang out, and stares in front of her, vacantly. When she calls her husband to tell him what happened at the doctor’s, she has a hard time creating the words, they just won’t come, and instead, she starts sobbing, feeling her face distort into a horrible grimace. Just walk out of the goddamn mall, Alexandra, her husband says, but she can’t answer, or stand up, or say anything to him. She just sits there, crying. Just get out of there, I’ll come get you from out front, ok? No, not okay, but she is mute, she is unable to speak. People are staring. She is humiliated, but there is no way she can stand. Alexandra? Alexandra? Jesus, okay I’ll come get you. Don’t move, just wait for me to come get you, ok? Can you do that for me, darling? Will you wait? I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Baby, this is what you came for, lightning strikes every time she moves. And everybody’s watching her, but she’s looking at you.[i]

Two

According to the gospel of Kreisman and Straus, the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to be in the ballpark of accurate, needs to have checked no less than five or more of the following nine criteria boxes.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

The proper breakfast consists of coffee, and soygurt, and some fruit and berries, and sunflower seeds, hempseeds and crushed linseeds, for fiber and some crucial Omega-3. Alexandra prepares her breakfast with loving care, remembering to eat the morning medication as well, to keep her allergies at bay, and with the monotonous fixing she tells herself to have a sane day, a good day, and not go all crazy today. She is quite safe here, inside the house, and she just gave it a good spring cleaning, so every nook and corner look immaculate and her own. She needs to wash the windows, but that, along with the spring cleaning of the yard, can wait a little longer. The fence really should be tended to as soon as possible, but her husband can be the chainsaw person, she is afraid to use it, and there is a hushed, and most times successfully covered, little witch inside her brain that keeps insisting that chainsaw is a deadly weapon and she should keep clear of it, and anyone using it, lest it be used against her. When her husband was showing her his latest acquisition to his collection, an expensive folding knife, she had a vivid and acute vision of him suddenly shoving the knife in her gut, just because, just because she happens to be there and is such a difficult person to live with and makes his life living hell, and all the while her husband kept telling her about the different ways the knife can be secured in its place when it is extended, and how the cost of the knife is comparable to how idiot-proof the securing mechanism is. Alexandra waits for him to stop and take the knife back to the locked cabinet, and looks at her husband’s empty hands, takes one of them in her own, and thinks to herself that he is her man. You are my man, she says. Yes, I am, he responds.

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world, like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love, like I’m the only one who knows your heart.[ii]

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Borderline Personality Disorder can often be overlooked, the treatments focusing on all kinds of fringe consequences from the actual trouble, for instance, depression, eating disorders, or the like. Because of the difficulty in correctly diagnosing the individual, and because of the extremes the individual can go when defensive, hence making treatment harder for the doctor than it already is, a lot of these cases go unnoticed, below the radar, and BPD has a bad rap among the mental diseases. The psychiatrist may be reluctant to start treatment on a person suffering from this particular illness because of the often harrowing psychological ramifications trying to help can have also in they themselves.

But baby, don’t get it twisted. You were just another nigga on the hit list, trying to fix your inner issues with a bad bitch, didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?[iii]

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

“The patient alternates coming off as threatening and angry, and apologetic, groveling, and manipulative. Obviously a deep fragmentation of the conscious self, derived from either this long sleep deprivation she keeps referring to, or perhaps going all the way back to her adolescence, when these troubles at first started, according to the patient. She is incapable of coherent conversation, and keeps going back and forth with the narrative of her illness. Acute need for some kind of medication for the insomnia, possibly sedatives for the heightened anxiety.”

“You won’t go on meds, you don’t want to go to see a shrink. Listen, Mrs. Spofford, what is it that you need from me? I’m at the end of my tether here. You need to let people help you, do you understand that? Look, I understand you are going through a very private thing, but if you don’t articulate anything, I can’t help you. If you ignore everyone’s advice – I see, you don’t feel you are ignoring. Ok. Look, I’ll write the prescription, just for the hell of it. You are a smart woman, use it if and when you feel you are ready to start medicating your problem.”

Say my name, say my name, wear it out. It’s getting hot, crack a window, air it out. I can get you through a mighty long day, soon as you go the text I write is gonna say - Ooh na na, what’s my name? Ooh na na, what’s my name?[iv]

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (for instance, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

The daily workout is of the most crucial importance, because without it, Alexandra will lose herself and everyone will see it. She doesn’t hide candy bars around the apartment, but prepares massive amounts of her favorite foods, and proceeds to eat the entire batch in one sitting.

She loves the exercise, the feeling of burning off the fat from devouring her immense portions of comfort food. Flex, flex, flex, then stretch, stretch, stretch, now jump, jump, jump, and bend, bend, bend. Breath, and push, and breath, and jump, and breath, and dance.

Feel the adrenaline moving under my skin, it’s an addiction, such an eruption. Sound is my remedy feeding me energy, music is all I need.[v]

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

When they had a fight over the phone, Alexandra tossed her portable phone on the floor, breaking the thing, and followed suit herself, collapsing on the hard, wooden floor, and began banging her head hard against it. It took all her mother’s strength to get her to stop. There was no end to her crying, and mother felt helpless, pleading for Alexandra to come stay at home for a while, this was no way to live, and she cannot hurt herself like that. Alexandra doesn’t’ tell her that she has done it before, a lot, when she has no words left, when there is nowhere to turn anymore, when her helplessness becomes too much for her. She bangs her head with her fists. That’s what she does. It isn’t to die. It is instead of vocal raging. But she has never dropped her basket in front of anyone but her husband before.

Afterwards, they never discuss it or refer to it.

Stir it up, pourage, getting dope, so rich, ah, smoke it. And I ain’t never liked a broke bitch, I ain’t ever fucked with your hoe, bitch. Quiet down.[vi]

6. Affective (mood) instability and marked reactivity to environmental situations (for instance intense episodic depression, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days)

You need to realize this isn’t a personal vendetta. You cannot control how people behave, and there are some rude, mean people out there. But you can’t take it to heart like this, Alexandra. This is a waste of energy, just think about what else you could do instead of nursing this – resentment. There will always be unkind people out there, and if you take everything so damn personally, you’ll never stop getting depressed and angry. Find the joy, remember when you said that to me, Nip-Nip? Well, now I’m giving back your own advice. You are the most exceptional fusion of the strongest and most confident person I’ve ever met, and the most insecure, and trapezing right on the edge of total collapse. Being so hot and cold is so much work, honey. I know it’s unfair. I know you didn’t ask for this. I know.

I hit a wall, I never felt so low, like a waterfall my tears dropped to the floor. They left a swimming pool of salted crimes, oh! What could I do to change your mind? Nothing. Now I’m bracing for the pain and I am letting go, I’m using all my strength to get out of this hole. I hit a wall, I thought that I would hurt myself. Oh, I was sure your words would leave me unconscious.[vii]

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

She has the water boiling on low heat, and she is peeling her ingredients for the soup. Healthy food, daily workout, hospital corners, get that routine going again. Onions, leeks, potatoes, carrots, one whole solo garlic, one medium sized sweet potato. Yes. Alexandra peels away, quite happy with herself as she witnesses the growing heap of peels in the sink. She feels like such an adult when she prepares a dish that leaves a giant amount of biodegradable garbage. It reminds her of when she was a child and she watched mother make lunch. She used to love grated carrots. They had a mechanical grater, it was orange, that marred, late-Seventies horrible orange that was used as color in home appliances. Why anyone would choose to have that shade of an appliance at home was anybody’s guess, but when that was all you got, it didn’t make a difference. She looks at the sliced vegetables starting to slowly simmer on the burner. She is suddenly sad that the preparatory portion of the soup-making is over. (She has a faint feeling that if she just kept peeling and peeling, she would reach that elusive point of maturity where she, by magic, didn’t have this problem anymore with herself, and her pretty little head.)

Gotta get outta here, you ain’t leaving me behind. I know you won’t cause we share common interests, leaving me behind, never, no no, I just want outta here, once I’m gone I ain’t never going back. If you want we can be runaways, running from any site of love, there ain’t nothing here for me.[viii]

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (for instance, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Why do you always have to become so out of proportion worked up? Why do you have to call me that? Alexandra, this is just crazy! Stop that! Stop it, I said! Don’t throw that, don’t you dare! Yes, and you are a fucking difficult cunt! Right back at you! What did you do, did you just bite me in the shoulder? Get the hell away from me, I mean it, Alexandra! Go to hell, bitch, I hope you die, too! Don’t come close to me! You got more than one screw loose – just stay put! Stay put now, do you hear? I’ll get rid of you and this place and you can go live with your parents, see if they can make heads or tails of you. You need to have those wires checked, you hear me?

Of course I forgive you, my baby Nip-Nip. It’s okay. Darling, you need to rest now, and take one of them pills the doctor gave you. No, of course I ain’t leaving. I’ll never leave you. Apology accepted. I’m sorry, too, I should be able to constrain myself better. Now you rest, Nip-Nip.

You yell, but you take me back. Who cares, if it feels like crack? Boy, you know that you always do it right. Man, fuck your pride, just take it on back, just take it on back, boy, take it back all night.[ix]

9. Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (feelings of unreality)

Hi, honey. I’m fine, it has been a good day, today. I did my workout, and walked to the supermarket and went shopping for groceries. I got some Chinese cabbage so I can make us some of that noodle thing. We haven’t had that in a while. And I ate some oatmeal with Parma ham and avocado and a five-minute egg and some maple syrup. Yeah, it was so good. And I watched some episodes of Frasier. How are the folks? If you came home late, I can make the noodle thing some other day, I think the cabbage was really fresh, it is so huge, and it really looked delicious, I’ll just rinse it and put it butt-up in the veggie box. Yes, because it was bad and must be punished! Oh, and I had that dream again. It was horrible, there was someone inside the house, and I couldn’t get up, I was tied to the bed. Yes, always the same. And the light in the living room, from what was able to see from the bed, was ominously green, the sick green, not like, leafy green, and this rancid odor began spreading around the house. No, I couldn’t sleep after. I’m fine, just, maybe scared to be alone at night. It’s like the nature keeps changing at night, you know? Like, the field around the house is suddenly the horrible moor from Wuthering Heights, when I’m getting ready for bed, and I just know it’s dead Cathy in the living room, looking for payback. Yes, I know! Well, even I know it’s silly. Still, glad you’ll be back home tomorrow. And be sure to call me. I love you, too.

Don’t you stop loving me, don’t quit loving me, just start loving me. [x]

Three

It is nearing afternoon, and Alexandra is sitting in her favorite lounger, thinking about leaving the house. She has done a batch of laundry, eaten a reasonably sized portion of oatmeal with salad, and did her exercise first thing in the morning. Towanda, comes the empowering thought that precedes all other thoughts now. There is raking to be done, and she really should get started on the flower beds. She closes her eyes for a moment, smiling. Towanda.

“BPD shares several characteristics with other personality dysfunctions, especially – narcissistic, antisocial, -- and dependent personality disorders. However, the constellation of self-destructiveness, chronic feelings of emptiness, and desperate fears of abandonment distinguish BPD from these other character disorders.

“The primary features of BPD are impulsivity and instability in relationships, self-image, and moods. These behavioral patterns are pervasive, usually beginning in adolescence and persisting for extended periods.

“Personality (or, trait) disorders, especially BPD, have been demonstrated to elicit more severe functional impairment in day-to-day living than -– (state) disorders, including major depression.” [xi]

Inspired by Kreisman and Straus’s in-depth and warmly written opus, Sometimes I Act Crazy – Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (John Wiley & Sons, 2004), and my gal Riri; Rihanna, especially her monumental album Anti.

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[i] Calvin Harris feat. Rihanna, This Is What You Came For, 2016

[ii] Rihanna, Only Girl, 2010

[iii] Rihanna, Needed Me, 2016

[iv] Rihanna feat. Drake, What’s My Name? 2011

[v] David Guetta feat. Rihanna, Who’s That Chick? 2010

[vi] Rihanna, Pose, 2016

[vii] Rihanna, Sledgehammer, 2016

[viii] Rihanna, Desperado, 2016

[ix] Rihanna, Kiss It Better, 2016

[x] Rihanna, Love on The Brain, 2016

[xi] Kreisman, Straus, Sometimes I Act Crazy, p.6

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