Mrs. Dalloway's Coffee Break

How things are The window is cracked open my bedroom window Snow cracks under there cracking and cracks inside my tiny pockets I am holding my breath until things are right with Alice But they can never be right again We have drifted too far apart, you know Is what she says in her head so loud the streets echo with the indifference It’s not like we are best pals or ever were But Alice, I want to say, you lie I crumple up in bed and let breath leave me Exhale is so much easier than inhale in this freezing winter temperature And wait for my baby to at least hold my hand Because I am sad and it’s what you do But my baby is busy and has to leave for work I peel a tangerine and eat it Put on a Kurt Vile record to crowd her out Write in my journal, make a shopping list Think of groceries and vacuuming and sing along to Snowflakes Are Dancing Still Alice remains silent no matter how much sub-zero I force down on her She is huddled on the bed sta...

We were planning a mutiny, but the hedgehogs just wanted to retire back to their respective piles of leaves and kick back with a few beers, and the flowers were unable to get out of china. Marlena played her usual dismissal dance with me, and just when I figured she couldn’t be any meaner she stopped acknowledging my presence altogether. The worst part of it was that all the other girls gradually went along with it. Instead of me beefing with only Marlena, they all began acting the exact same way. Not making eye contact, monosyllabic answers, dismissing my questions completely, turning their backs when I was talking, never, even for a second, letting a smile escape on their faces when forced to talk to me during class. I grew to hate Marlena and despise her little flock of mocking birds. You can all go to hell, I thought, you despicable lemmings. But being totally ignored and never looked at started leaving their mark on me, and after a year, I retaliated. I started l...

Marlena told everyone that I smelled bad. That my hair pins were shameful. That I had jam hands. That I was a pig for these reasons, and possibly for some other ones too that didn’t come to my knowledge. Her influence was vast, and one day even Georgina moved slightly away from me when I sat next to her on the long wooden bench in the lunch hall. Only ever so slightly, but I noticed it, and took more offence I could ever have imagined, and excused myself shortly after eating only a few bites and ran into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls and cried. Kotona isoisä pyysi minua haravoimaan, ja pihan perällä, orapihlaja-aidan suojissa, purin murheeni aidassa iltaa istuville sinitiaisille ja kompostia vartioivalle siiliperheelle. Puristin kädet tiukasti nyrkkiin, ja ajattelin kuinka tapasimme jakaa ostamamme vadelmakaramellit kaupan edessä, ja Marlena sanoi vievänsä yhden kotiin koiralleen, vaikkei hänellä ollut oikeasti koiraa, mutten kosk...

It is primal. It’s like a smell, I say when she asks whether I have yet found out what it is like. I dive into it with pleasure, the conversation, and stop checking for signs. It isn’t uncomfortable, the silence, but rather a marker of time. It isn’t often I don’t think about how I would like to be at home instead, I tell Josephine, who appears on the seat next to me. Yes, we are all under the thrall of this small creature, the Lady of Shalott, she says, nodding at the woman opposite me. But I want to weave a magical web, too! I exclaim, and Josephine laughs a little, then grows serious. But isn’t that exactly what you are doing, dear? The woman opposite you? Mere reflection of your own desires. “Stars, hide your fires/Let not light see my black and deep desires”, I quote. Is it like Plato’s cave? Kind of, I guess, Josephine says. But what about cutting the thread? Surely she must need my help if she has an acute thread-cutting need? No, dear. ...

One day, the river decided she was sick of running, so she curled up and turned into a lake. Wow, that’s incredible, I marveled, impressed. Oh, it’s nothing, she replied, this isn’t the first time I have done it. I miss her, I said. She took that photo of me by a lake. I had long hair then. I have short hair now. And who was the girl with the long hair? she asked. I don’t know. A quiet, nice girl. A pushover, really. She hated that about herself. I don’t think she was a pushover. A bit insecure, perhaps. I said nothing to this. Matkalla kotiin poikkesin leipomoon ostamaan reikäleivän ja rakastamiani pieniä suklaakakkusia. Monesti naisella, joka palveli minua, oli luppoaikaa, ja jutustelimme. Tänään hän oli kiireinen. Tein ostokseni joutuisasti, ja poistuin sivummalle täyttämään reppua. Kaiketi nainen oli kuullut uutisen. Lähtiessäni myymälästä olin näkevinäni Hendersonit kaukana järvenselällä astelemassa pitkin luistinrataa, mutta tiesin ettei se...

I used to be a woman who wrote in cafes. That was before The Flood. Now I stand there at the entrance in my thick overcoat and huge scarf that smell like Indian cuisine, but I no longer feel like I am expected, or welcome. I write at home now. The Giant’s woman came by the house today. To do some yelling, I presumed. But I didn’t let her in, so she just violently stamped on the snow-covered flowerbeds, where the wild pansies had grown. What a bitch, I said to The Swift, it’s not like I wanted him to eat the flowers. The bird was for once silent. I added wood into the stove and filled the kettle with fresh water. The smell of the fire combined with damp feathers, but I said nothing, I knew he would want to dry himself in peace. I wasn’t a bad smell, really. Päiväkirjan kirjoittaja istuu jalat harallaan penkissä. Kynät seisovat reippaina purkeissa, paitsi ne joita hän sillä hetkellä käyttää.

The river was incensed when she was told it was not, after all, her birthday. She drew up a storm, raging and rampaging and breaking the tranquil ice so that fish underneath wondered whether she had indeed gone mad. I witnessed her frenzy and survived the subsequent blizzard, thinking if the feel of the water captures all of this wild electrifying roar, everyone who goes swimming there next summer will experience the strangest come of their lives, an all-encompassing full-body hit when the water swallows them for the longest seven seconds. Kunpa en olisi avannut ovea jättiläiselle joka söi orvokkini. Koit puhkoivat reikiä arvokkaisiin kankaisiini, ja kun tervapääskyni vetäytyi penseästi aivan ikkunan laidalle, tunsin pelkuruuteni varisevan pikkuruisina hahtuvaisina höyhenpallosina jalkoihini. Jälkeenpäin jättiläinen pakeni, mutta minä näin sen ja käskin lintua pitämään huolen omista asioistaan. Onneksi yksi orvokki jäi jäljelle penkkiin, niin kuin minuakin oli vain yk...

Yritin muistella kiiltokuvia ja voikukkia ja pieniä lempeitä suukkosia. Makasin selälläni vuoteella Adèle kyljellään vierelläni. Silmäni olivat ummessa, hänen kätensä lepäsi kevyesti vatsallani. Tunsin hänen otteensa tiukkenevan ja arvelin hänen heräävän. But pretty pictures and dandelions were all there was, and the intoxicating lilac aroma by her window as we walked by it on our way to the woods to play and share secrets, and the kisses could have been something I had at first presented as a possibility and then as a memory. They were in the palm of my hand now as fickle as a bunch of fireflies, or perhaps as sure as one of those precious scented erasers shaped like a daisy or an ice cream cone, and I had her long hairs in the breast pockets of my denim jacket and knowing they were there made me unspeakably happy. Avasin silmäni. Käänsin kasvoni päin hänen kasvojaan kuvitellen näkeväni hänet heräämässä, poskien hento nukka pystyssä, pieni unihiekan jyvänen vielä sil...

As the nocturnal horrors wither and another beautiful winter’s day dawns, I finally sit down for breakfast after a night of dread and disappointments and apparently an early morning lunar eclipse. It’s no good getting old, Grandfather says, sitting in his white rocking chair, there is nothing quite as devastatingly lonely or isolating than being the transparent old man whom no one cares to know better. I try to comfort him but they were fresh out of figs at the market, so is impossible to make jam right now. Hillonkeittäjänä harjoittelen tarmokkaasti hiipimistä ympäri taloa, koska ne sanoivat että hiipimiseni näyttää naurettavalta eikä ole kovinkaan salaperäistä. Ne sanoivat myös että nauran kammottavasti ja että näytän mieheltä kumartuessani sitomaan kengännauhoja. Mitäpä siitä, ajattelen hiipiessäni huomaamattomasti seinän viertä nerokkaimmalla tietämälläni hiivinnällä, harjoitellen luontevaa naurua joka olisi vähiten kammottava, sitoen kaikkia talosta löytyviä nuoria j...

I had this desire to drive and drive and drive all night long, but the maps were all crumbled and sour, and Adèle said she wouldn’t come with me. She stopped braiding my hair about that same time, and I knew then. Satunnaisesti ajatellen käsitin unohtaneeni ottaa pillerit. Tarkemmin tarkastellen tiesin, etten ollut unohtanut mitään, olin vain kauhuissani. Lumi satoi maahan järkälemäisinä motteina, mutta minä tiesin kuka siellä piilotteli.

As January stretches her snow-white arms around me on this gorgeous morning of early 2019 and I drink my morning joe from the brand-new Hollola novelty mug Santa brought, a list begins to compile. Some resolutions for this year. Try and quit using the more disgusting swear words. I know in my heart I can never lose the habit of using them entirely; I am, after all, my father’s daughter, but let’s have some order around here, what do you say. Choose a few select fineries and lose the fowler ones. See parents and sister more. Last year was the year of surrender and adjustment and letting go. Now, let’s get on with it. Be kind, to people in general. And if that is totally out of the question, try to at least remember your Grandfather and think how he would handle the situation. People are usually trying their best, just like you my dear, and only rarely is anyone deliberately trying to hurt you specifically. They are busy, their clothes are on backwards, they are tired, ...